Since Valentine’s Day is today, I thought this will the perfect day to share with you what it has been like for me, as a twenty-one-year-old who is single and as a person who never had a boyfriend before. If you don’t have a Valentine, it’s okay. You and I are already a part of the greatest love story ever.
Elementary school came with a lot of “passing notes days.” In third grade, I had a best friend called Lauren. Lauren and I had a crush on the same boy who was in our class. We each wrote our separate notes, gave it to him, and ran away at the same time. From a distance, I kept on looking over at him in anticipation. Was he reading my note first? What does he think of it? Does he like me, too? After he read quickly through our notes, I watched as he walked over to the trash can to throw one of them away. He then walks over to Lauren, says or whispers something to her (I don’t remember what), but it sure did leave a smile on L’s face. I felt the sting of rejection. My note was the one that was thrown away. My crush chose my best friend over me. Looking back at it now, I’m glad that God closed that door because for one out of some of the reasons I have in my head, third grade is way too young to be having a boyfriend haha.
It seemed as if most boys at my junior high school were immature and I came across some boys who were jerks. I didn’t have an interest in dating. Period.
There were some boys that I liked at high school during my time there. None of those boys were interested in me, though. I was never asked to go out on a date and I was never asked to go to a school dance by any of them. As a matter of fact, I went to prom with a bunch of my girl friends (nothing wrong with that… I had SO much fun) but I did wish that I had a guy date. Note that in the summer going into my junior year of high school was when I became a Christian, so what I was looking for in a guy had changed.
Come university and this is when singleness hits me the hardest. When I transferred to APU, I came in thinking that I was going to finally find a good Christian boyfriend by the end of my first year there. My roommate told me that it was going to be “my year”, but it wasn’t. I’m currently in my fourth semester at APU and God hasn’t brought me “the one” yet. I see that most of my friends are in a relationship and two of my girl friends actually started dating this spring semester. Heck, I even scrolled through my Instagram feed today and almost every picture was of couples. I am genuinely joyous for them and I think the stuff that they post with their significant other are so cute, but I can’t help but ask God, “Why do they have their significant other and you still have me waiting?”
A single godly man has never asked me to be his girlfriend before. Because of that, I sometimes go to a dark place where I wonder if there’s something wrong with me, both on the inside and outside. I would look in the mirror and pinpoint things that could possibly be the problem. I would tear myself apart by saying (in my mind) stuff I don’t like about myself such as my nose is big, my top gums show most of the time when I smile, I’m not that talented, I can be awkward at times, I won’t be a fun person to be around with, etc. Or I think if I was more like so and so or if I was pretty like so and so, then my crush will like me. Basically, I’m not good enough for anyone.
One of the nights, a few weeks ago, I was by myself and I felt lonely, but lonely as in “I wish I had a boyfriend” kind of lonely. I cried out to God about my feelings and I prayed for my future husband. It was a battling night for me until I let everything out and gave them to Jesus. I took time to examine myself and realized that my longing to be in a romantic relationship was taking over my personal relationship with my first love… Jesus. This is a perfect intro to what I’m about to share with you next about having a major crush on someone.
All the times I’ve had a crush on a guy in my lifetime, he’s pretty much always on my mind. I kid you not, I would look into all of his social media accounts on most days, investing so much time in doing just that. If I see him on campus or anywhere, really, I would freak out inside. Keep in mind that most of my crushes were on guys that I have not met in person yet or probably will never meet, which is kinda sad if I say so myself. Anyways, I would idolize this person to the point where it is a part of what affects me not putting God first, me skipping reading the Bible and my devotionals, and me pushing aside quiet alone time with God. I confess that I am still working on being disciplined.
I believe that it is okay for me to have a crush on someone, but it becomes a problem when me wanting to have a relationship with that person dominates what I have with Christ. I think God hasn’t revealed “the one” to me because He knows that I am not ready for a boyfriend yet and He wants me to draw closer to Him. Also, He’s still shaping me into the woman He wants me to be for my future significant other.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
One of my favorite quotes from C.S. Lewis is from his book Mere Christianity,“I do not know why there is this difference, but I am sure that God keeps no one waiting unless He sees that it is good for him to wait. When you do enter your room, you will find that the long wait has done you some kind of good which you would not have had otherwise. But you must regard it as waiting, not as camping. You must keep on praying for light: and of course, even in the hall, you must begin trying to obey the rules which are common to the whole house. And above all you must be asking which door is the true one; not which pleases you best by its paint and paneling.” When you’re waiting upon the Lord for your future boyfriend or girlfriend, you don’t just sit around and do pretty much nothing, because he or she isn’t going to all of a sudden appear at your front door. Waiting upon the Lord is taking action spiritually by going to God for guidance, and physically by stepping outside to socialize with others.
My prayer for someone that I like or in other words, someone who I think is the one God has for me, is that if he is indeed the man God has for me, then praise the Lord! If the person that I like all of a sudden gets a girlfriend or I find out in another way that he isn’t who God has for me, I know for sure that I’ll be sad and confused. I’m scared that I will stray from God for a while and not praise Him if things don’t go how I wanted them to. I’m scared that I will have to force myself to be happy for the man of my dreams. When I pray for God to give me a sign as to if my crush is “the one” for me or not, I get impatient whenever He doesn’t show me a sign right away. But then it is also when I can decide to go back to the truth that His timing is perfect. It’s not my will, but His will to be done. Matthew 7:7 says, “Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” The thing is we must be walking with the Lord.
Yes, I’ve had moments when I think nobody I like (if I were to tell the person or hint to him that I like him) will ever be interested in dating me. Basically, a fear of a future rejection. In those same moments, I lose all hope and think that God will never give me a husband and kids. This morning in psychology class, some of my classmates did an eye-opening presentation on the topic of fear. One of them concluded by talking about Valentine’s Day and how if you really like someone, you should ask him or her out. Pretty much to not be afraid to make that move and just go for it. He made it sound simple, and I would say that even though it isn’t, yes, take the risk. Like Coldplay said in their song “Fix You,” if you never try, you’ll never know. But I can’t deny that there will be a fear of rejection in most, if not all of us; and questions such as, “How will we recover?” Don’t go in with high hopes, but rather think positively and have a good amount of confidence. If he or she doesn’t respond in the way you wanted him or her to, then probably God is protecting you and saving you for someone better. I know this may be difficult to grasp.
I know there’s a gift of singleness, and yes I typed that correctly- a GIFT of singleness, but I don’t think that I have that because if I did, I don’t think that I’d have this desire to be in a romantic relationship. People have asked me questions such as, “Tina, how are you still single?” or “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” or “Why haven’t you dated anyone before?” I always replied with, “I don’t know” because I never felt comfortable talking about it.
I take having a boyfriend very seriously. Like, I wouldn’t date somebody that I don’t see myself marrying and overall having a future with. I’ve seen loved ones who didn’t wait upon the Lord, so they settled. They settled for less than what they deserved because for two out of many reasons, they were tired of being single or/and they felt as if they weren’t themselves unless they had a significant other. How did they end up? Some of them were left torn, divorced, fighting with their boyfriend or girlfriend, cheated on, etc. It’s so tragic and that is why it is so important to pray without ceasing and wait upon the Lord because who and what He has for you is always going to be way better than all you ever had in mind for yourself. You may have to wait upon the Lord for a significant other in what seems like forever, like I have been doing, but trust me, dear- it will be SO worth it.
Last year, a celebrity’s brother sent me a direct message on Instagram. Some of the things he said to me were that there’s not many Christian girls on Instagram, he thinks I look down at myself too much, he told me that I seem pretty cool, and he asked me if I would meet up with him unless I am seeing someone. I thought solely the fact that he was talking to me was too good to be true; furthermore, leading me to think there was a hacker on his account. I found out later on that it was really him, not a hacker. I guess he didn’t like the fact that I messaged his brother (the celebrity) about it on Twitter, so ever since then it doesn’t seem like he’s into me anymore, based on where our conversation last picked up. I didn’t really care, but I confess that I do miss talking to him now. One reason why I shared this story is because the first thing he sent to me was, “You seem like a nice girl. That girl and I aren’t anything (he’s talking about a picture of him and a girl that he posted and I liked on Instagram). It’s so hard to find Christian girls.” I then proceeded to tell him that in 1 John, it says that no one has ever seen God, but they can see Him through the way we love… that is why it’s important for me to try my best to be kind to people. What I am most glad about is how he could tell that I was a Christian. He saw that I was because he could see God’s love through me! That meant everything to me.
A few years ago, there was a football player who thought I was cute so he asked one of my friends what my name was. That night, he sent me a friend request on Facebook and I accepted. The next day in class, he told my friend that he’s not interested in me anymore because I was “too Christian.” Forget him. I don’t want to be in a relationship that will draw me away from Jesus. When I’m in a relationship, Jesus has to be at the center of it all. Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” My motto for when I have a significant other will always be, “I am His before I am yours.” I have to make sure that that is my significant other’s promise as well and that he wants Christ to be the head of our relationship. It is not until then that we will be able to live our lives together in a way that is pleasing to the Lord. If we both are obedient to His commandments and heed His direction, there is no doubt that our relationship will be blessed, and when storms come our way, we’ll be able to get through them together. Basically, my main goal is to have a relationship that glorifies the Lord. The first thing I look for in a man is someone who loves the Lord more than he loves me. I know my future significant other won’t be perfect… I’m not expecting perfection. I, myself, am striving to be the woman God calls me to be for a man.
Lastly, I want to cover how basing your happiness on if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, or not, will destroy you. The straight out truth is that having a boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t going to be the be-all-end-all. A relationship with Jesus is the only relationship where you will always be satisfied. Always. Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever. That is amazing, friends! He offers us so much more than what a significant other can. In the song, “Holy Spirit” by Kari Jobe, there’s a part that says, “I’ve tasted and seen of the sweetest of loves where my heart becomes free and my shame is undone. Your presence, Lord.” I don’t know any sweeter love than the love Jesus has for me and you. God sent His one and only Son into this dark world to show us what light is and how to be that light. His Son died for us! We’re filthy sinners and yet He suffered and died for us so that we could be with Him in paradise! When we mess up and come to Him asking for forgiveness, He covers us with grace. We don’t deserve it, but He gives us grace upon grace. There’s nothing we can do that will make Him stop loving us. Longing to have a boyfriend shouldn’t be what’s most important to me. If God is all I have, God is all I need. This changes everything to my viewpoint on being single. The joy of the Lord is my strength. One day He’s going to come for His bride! It blows my mind that I get to be with my Savior in heaven. It blows my mind that the Creator chooses me. He delights in me. He is in the waiting. In every season, He is with me. I am never alone.
Often times we lose sight of who God is and forget He knows exactly what He is doing. He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine! Remember that God gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him. As children of God, He will not withhold His best from us. He gives us a hope and a future. God’s best is yet to come!
X O ,
T I N A
P.S: Who else watches wedding videos from time to time? I can watch a lot in one sitting haha. I don’t know why I do it to myself.